I don’t think I can do this. This isn’t my cup of tea. Some so many people are so much better than me. How am I going to stand out? What if they make fun of me?

One of my very good recently came up to me and confessed that I have stage fright. “I know I’m the best but that moment when it’s time to get on stage and perform in front of so many people I get cold feet,” she said. I being a total extrovert and a person who’s never really scared of what people think about me didn’t understand what to tell her.

I came across this quote scrolling through my feed, “The fear to do the thing is greater than the thing itself”.

We often just leave so many opportunities just because there is a chance we are going to fail at them miserably. We are afraid that if we fail we’ll have to start from the bottom again.

Here’s the catch, when we first try something and fail at it we gain some kind of experience or knowledge. Starting the same thing from the bottom may sound a bit Mona tenuous but this time around we no doubt are starting from ground zero but with some kind of experience right?

We’ve not only gained some kind of knowledge from that failure but also some percentage of the fear has faded away.

It’s been quite a while since we’ve parted our ways, it’s been quite a while since we’ve seen each other’s face, it’s been quite a while since I’ve felt your face on my shoulders.

I know we’ve let each other go and accepted that nothing in this world can bring us back together but I still keep my phone’s ringer on at night in case you change your mind. I still keep my door open in case you feel lonely at night. I still have that jacket you gave me when I was cold. I still have hope that someday you’ll look back and remember me as a faint but sweet memory.

You’re so far yet so close to my heart. You’re so distant but you still feel like a warm hug to me when I think about you. Just in case you remember me just keep in mind my ringer is still on for you at night.

When we lose someone so close to our hearts, we often find ourselves in a different zone, we start functioning on a different tangent. No one can replace their places in our hearts.

The grief that comes with that loss, is the unexpressed and unexplainable love we couldn’t pass on to them or let them know how we felt when they were close to us. We always think we have all the time in the world but I hate to break it to you, but we don’t.

Someone might not feel the same way all the time. That unexpressed love is so important to get it out, to tell them how we feel, to show how much we care about them.

Timing may always not be in our favour but our feeling is in control. Blurt out what you feel, it doesn’t matter if the other person feels the same way about you or not.

It’s just that the unexpressed love never dies, it just comes forward in ugly ways. If we don’t heal from what we’re hiding in that little heart of ours, we’ll bleed on the people who never hurt us.

When I say I miss my home, I mean I miss you. I can’t be the person I am with anyone else. Unfiltered, unbothered about what are you going to think about me, blabbering whatever comes to my mind.

When you create your home in someone else and they leave abruptly this is what happens, you’re left homeless. Right now I’m clueless about where to go, and who to ask for help.

Should I just start building my new home or find a new home? Did you also make your home with someone else or you just didn’t feel homely when you were with me?

I hope someday you knock on my door or your notification just pops up on my screen calling me home, screaming at me to come to you because even you haven’t been home in a while.

Everything comes to an end eventually. There’s a time for everything. Many times ending has been associated with being dejected. When something comes to termination there’s a feeling of something being left out, something being incomplete.

I’ve always felt that emptiness, that void when people tend to abandon me. Endings have always haunted me. Not being able to be with them, not being able to see them, not being able to hear their voice whenever I want. That’s what spooked me.

Now looking back I’ve realised that endings can be beautiful too. An end to something also means a beginning of the other. I still haven’t found my start but I’m getting there. There’s only one person who can fill that void, and that’s me myself.

Every journey of mine has taught me something which I tend to use or carry along in my next one. Hoping from one journey to the other in the hope to find the right one.

If the sun sets today, it doesn’t mean it won’t rise tomorrow. Every sunset brings the promise of a new dawn.

Losing your precious things when you were little would cause us such an excruciating pain till that thing of ours was found. We would have those little boxes in school labelled as lost and found. We would check it every morning expecting it would appear there magically. Days go by we start losing that hope of ever finding it there but one day it does magically appear there giving us an exhilarating feeling.

Growing up, we go through many phases that make us lose ourselves in the quest to fulfil everyone’s expectations. Losing that happy version of yourself that lived with all her heart without being sceptical of the thought of getting her heart rippled. The one who cared for people and was vulnerable.

I’ve lost her. Where is the lost and found box we would search in every morning when we were little? I’m starting to lose the hope of ever finding my precious self, but I hope someday it does magically appear in there somewhere.

Some people are like sunshine in your life, we wish to hold on to them forever and let us be honest who wants that sunlight to just set forever.

We tend to forget that a coin has two sides so do the people who provide us with the warmth. If there is going to be a beautiful sunny day, then surely at some point in time we are going to experience that gloomy day where we can’t even find our sunshine even when we’ve looked in all the directions.

You were that sunshine to me, my warmth I wanted to hold on to forever. I did try to hold on to you tighter than I should have. I thought life wouldn’t go on without you, but as no one dies without anyone. I can live without you but I don’t want to.

You did slip away, not all of a sudden but gradually without making me realise that you’ll be gone in no time. The fact that hurts the most is that I have to remember you for longer than I’ve known you.

Many a time we throw away things that are broken. We are taught from the very beginning especially in Indian households to never keep something broken in the house as it’s not considered auspicious.

We care so much about materialistic things, forgetting most of the time that we might be broken too.

My heart is a stranger in my own body now. I don’t recognize it anymore. I just know it’s there but I know it’s not mine now. It’s broken, bruised, and ruptured altogether.

What am I to do with it? Throw it or just not acknowledge the fact that it’s severed. I’m at fault for not taking care of it, I’m at fault for not protecting it, I’m at fault to bring it out in the world where people just walked all over it not considering how shattered I would be.

It won’t be the same as before, but I’ll have to pick up the broken pieces and fix them. In the end, I know for a fact that it’s broken but it’s still mine.

I have always been a person who has loved being surrounded by people, be it fake or real. Haven’t understood the difference between the people who are good for me and the ones who aren’t.

I’ve lost many real ones just because the fake ones seemed sweeter. I have had this habit for quite a while now wherein I tend to build up houses without people.

I was always very confident that my place is going to be permanent no matter what happens. But in reality, too, new tenants do come, who seem better to the house owners. How could I expect that this is their heart I was talking about and slowly I’ll be replaced too?

I’ve been replaced many times. The journey has been tiring but has been one of the greatest lessons too. After years of being reinstated, I have finally concluded that the one person whose heart can never replace me is mine myself.

Many people still do have a home within me, but looking at it carefully I had given away even my spot to someone temporary. I had no place left for me in my own heart.

I just woke up one morning and decided I had to clear them out and build a home within myself just for me. This did get a bit deserted but it also felt good.

Uprightly, it’s a bit lonely, but better this way.

Is it selfish to wish that I don’t want you to have what we had with someone else? I know I’m being unreasonable but is it so bad to want this?

We shared a bond I don’t think anyone could ever understand. We could read each other faces from across the room. Have our little party amongst hundreds of people not caring what they might think about us. Fight over the stupidest things but would never leave each other no matter what.

It breaks my heart to even imagine what would happen if you were reading someone else’s face now? Crying in front of her about the things the world didn’t have any idea about? Sleeping in each other’s arms till dawn? I would be shattered.

I know you’re eventually going to meet someone or maybe might have already, but don’t you ever think about me doing those same things you’re doing with her?

Is it so bad to want that you never have what we had with someone else?